Thailand 6: September 5, 2001

I went golfing in Thailand for the first time last month. My boss took me to a course about 10 miles out of Bangkok. The set up is much like a Florida course featuring lots of water which caused me some difficulty given the precision nature of my game. In fact, other than the female caddies in coolie hats and the occasional stray dog loping along the fairways, you could make yourself believe you were in Florida. However, regretfully I discovered that a crappy golf game in Thailand is very similar to a crappy golf game in the States. Plus, here the caddies keep score for you, which I found tended to cramp my creativity, though it did remove temptation. For those familiar with my golf game, the Hammer of Thor made a brief appearance on the 14th tee but otherwise remained comfortably sheathed within my bag for the rest of the round.

Last week, a guy opened up an orange juice cart in front of our apartment building. I would wake up, head out to work and buy a bottle of fresh-squeezed OJ for 40 cents. Then, just as suddenly as he arrived, he disappeared. Not a lot of stability in the street vendor market.

Some Embassy friends went to watch Thai boxing. There is a stadium close to our house and we went over one night after work. It was loud, crowded, hot and could have used an air freshener or two. The stadium is an old rickety wooden firetrap with metal fencing separating the sections. You don't want to sit up front for fear of flying blood, saliva or worse and the cheap seats are where the Thai gamblers hang out. We opted for the middle where we could easily see the contestants use their fists, feet, knees and foreheads to pummel each other in relative comfort. The crowd of about 2,000 was mostly men, but a few women showed up as well. Mostly Thai, but with about 10-15% European and Japanese tourists. After the matches, we ventured into the Metal Zone. Quite honestly, a disappointment. Much like the exterior (which featured the giant serpent), the inside sprang from the fantasy world of a 12 year old Dungeons and Dragon fanatic -- you know, giant Norsemen slaying monster dogs, lots of skulls. Plus, no heavy metal. Just videos of some pathetic Finnish rock tour.

I recently had the privilege of serving as control officer for a Congressional visit. Surprisingly, there's generally not a lot of competition for this duty. I would compare it to document productions in a law firm. Its a job you want to do well, but not too well for fear of being known as the go-to-guy for this sort of thing. My group consisted of one Congressman (Jim Kolbe, from Arizona) and several representatives from UNICEF, the Gates Foundation and the Global Vaccine Fund. Nice people on a substantive trip to inaugurate a vaccine program in Cambodia, but a major pain in the rear. However, it gave me an opportunity to use my education, legal experience and State Department training to pick out a menu for the reception and arrange delivery of airline tickets. I also got to get up at 4:30 on a Sunday to take the group to the airport ("Yes, sir, may I get that bag for you sir?") The Congressman, who was quite pleasant, was accompanied by a Navy Commander as his miliary escort. (DOD is way ahead of State when it comes to Congressional butt kissing) Here is a naval officer whose next job will be commanding a nuclear submarine filling out the Congressman's baggage tags.

One thing you quickly learn about Embassy entertaining is to arrive early. Invitations from the Ambassador are not really invitations per se, but instead serve as orders. Due to the vagaries of Bangkok traffic, guests may arrive 1 hour late or a half hour early and leaving the Ambassador to fend for himself with a dozen guests is never a career enhancing move.

I went to conference on Thai economic liberalization last week. All in Thai, which meant I caught about every third word. Fortunately, one of our Thai economists went with me to help translate. To keep from drifting off, I started counting how many times cell phones rang during the 3 hours of presentations. 47 separate times, cell phones went off while the speakers were talking. And, the recipients would answer the calls and start chatting away, oblivious to the rest of the conference.

Liz and I just got back from Phuket. We won a free weekend at a hotel as a door prize at Canada Day and its a cheap hour flight from Bangkok. As the plane begins its descent, you pass over a host of beautiful islands in the Andaman Sea. Of course, Thai Airways piped in the muzak version of Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" as we landed. That happens all the time. The Thai seem to think that Westerners would prefer lousy versions of lousy songs (sorry Billy Joel fans, but the truth hurts) to anything remotely Thai. Our first full day in Phuket we went out to the islands in Phang Nga Bay (think Scaramanga's hide-out in the "Man with the Golden Gun"). Beautiful limestone formations jutting out of the clear waters. We boarded inflatable sea canoes to pass through sea caves into hidden lagoons carved out from the rock over the millennia. The caves were pitch black and incredibly narrow. We had to lay flat on the canoes, let some of the air out and turn our faces to the side and even then we just scraped through. Its not for the claustrophobic. But once inside, we saw monkeys, wild birds and hordes of fruit bats. We passed through one cave occupied by a swarm of insect eating bats. No air circulation and loads of bat guano do not make for a pleasant breathing experience. Once again, I displayed a unique ability to film my feet and Liz's back while missing much of the journey through the caves. I did, however, unintentionally catch a monkey urinating, so I've got that going for me.

Of course, after a hard day of cave exploration, there's no better way to top things off than to attend a Las Vegas-style Transvestite Cabaret. Lavish production numbers, garish outfits and a whole lotta shaking going on. Phuket is about 30% Muslim and seated right behind us was a family of four, including two little kids and mom in a headdress. They seemed to enjoy the show. The performers strutted to everything from Chinese folk songs to American disco to Hava Nagilah (Jewish weddings will never be the same). It was like going to a Cher concert, but here the performers actually had talent.